WENDEL: I'm sorry.
WHO: Me too.
WENDEL: Here, let me help you up. (He helps him up) Who are you? I think I've seen you before.
WHO: You got the name right, that's Who R. Yu
(Watsur and Howard walk past) Why what's you name?
(Watsur stops, turn to Who in confusion, Howard follows Watsur even more confused)
WATSUR: (To Who) What?
WHO: What?
WATSUR: That's right the name is Watsur Name.
WHO: Watsur Name?
WATSUR: That's right.
WENDEL: Whoa! Wait!
WATSUR: (To Wendel) No, not wait, Watsur. Why, Who are you?
WHO: No, that's me.
WATSUR: That's right, didn't I meet you at a pronoun convention?
WHO: Yeah, that was a long time ago.
WATSUR: Sure was. Oh, I'm sorry. This is my friend, Howard Uno.
HOWARD: (Shaking Wendel's hand) Pleased to meet you.
WENDEL: (As if testing the name) Howard Uno?
HOWARD: (To Watsur) Kid catches on fast, eh?
(Howard shakes WHO'S hand)
WHO: Who R. Yu.
HOWARD: Howard, Howard Uno. (to WENDEL) What's your name, I think I missed it.
WATSUR: No you didn't. (looking at his watch) He should be on his way any minute.
WENDEL: (Trying to make sense of this) I thought you said his name was It.
WATSUR: It is. (he says indignantly)
WENDEL: Than why did you say he should be Onis Way? Who is he?
WHO: (feeling that his name had been made fun of) The name is Who R. Yu (Pointing
to Watsur) Watsur Name, (pointing to HOWARD) Howa...
WENDEL: Wendel
WHO: (still pointing at Howard) Howard Uno.
WATSUR: (to WHO) You tell him.
WHO: The young man that is not here yet is Itis Onisway.
WENDEL: I'm sorry. It all seems confusing.
WHAT: (In wonderment) Who can explain this?
WHO: No I can't, I don't even know this.
HOWARD: Who's this?
WHO: No I'm not This. This is a guy that I used to work with. Never got to know him though. (Wendel sits on the ground holding his head in his hands)
WENDEL: Never another drug...Never...I'll never touch another drug.
HOWARD: How would you know? Never is a hard place to get to.
WENDEL: I....Don't know.
HOWARD: Who are you?
WENDEL: Me?
WHO: (To HOWARD) What?
HOWARD: WHO IS THAT? (He says to WENDEL)
WHO: I am not.
HOWARD: No, Who, he said he's me.
WHO: He said he's me? (Also pointing to himself)
WATSUR: If he said he's me, who am I?
WENDEL: (Looking up with a star in his eye) Right.
HOWARD: If he thinks he's me, Howard Uno...
WHAT: We could ask him....(Looking at WENDEL) What's your name?
WENDEL: No, Watsur Name is your name.
HOWARD: (Impressed)
(There is a pause as Wendel tastes victory)
WENDEL: (Thinking out loud) Well, who am I?
WHO: No you've got it wrong. It's who are you.
WENDEL: Me?
WATSUR: What's your name?
WENDEL: It doesn't matter.
WHAT: Wrong, your name is Me, Myself, and I. Remember; Me, Myself and I, that's all you can be.
WENDEL: Right.
HOWARD: How would you know?
WENDEL: I am, who I am...Me, Myself, and I. No one else.
(Watsur, Howard and Who start to clap and say "Yeah, He's got it" All at once they stop clapping. Who leans toward Wendel)
WHO: Howard Uno.
HOWARD: (Leaning forward) Yes?
WHO: I think we've done it.
HOWARD: Yes, yes, that's right. Yes, yes, we've done a good job too, yes?
WHAT: Yes, quite. (Howard and Who leave) You see, we were just like you, doing drugs randomly for awhile. Then more and more. Until there was more fantasy in your reality than reality in your fantasy. Now you've become one of us.
WENDEL: Will I ever get back to what I was?
WHAT: Hardly anyone does. You'd be better off converting others than saving yourself.
(Watsur gets up and walks to left of stage)
(A girl walks in STAGE RIGHT)
WENDEL: Hi.
GIRL: (Uncomfortably) Hi.
WENDEL: What's your name?
WATSUR: Huh?
GIRL: Izzy, why who are you?
WENDEL: (proudly) I am myself. Who R. Yu isn't here presently, but he (pointing to WATSUR) is Watsur Name.
WENDEL: You can call Me Myself and I.
IZZY: Great, pleased to meet you. Now that is really cool...
WENDEL: Is he now? We were talking about him earlier but I've never had the opportunity to meet him.
IZZY: No, I mean the fact that you have three names -Three first names.
(ITIS, HOWARD and WHO walk on stage)
WHAT: Itis!
IZZY: Itis?
WENDEL: (To IZZY) You know Itis? How would you know Itis?
HOWARD: What?
WHAT: Yes?
WENDEL: Is this Itis?
WHO: No, Itis is Itis.
WENDEL: Right, this is Izzy, Itis.
ITIS: (Shaking her hand) Do you know everyone here?
IZZY: No, I don't believe so.
WENDEL: May I have the Honors? (All the others nod knowingly)Watsur Name.
WATSUR: Right, Watsur Name.
WENDEL: That's....Um, Who R. Yu.
WHO: (In a confirming voice) Who R. Yu.
WENDEL: Howard Uno.
HOWARD: Howard Uno.
WENDEL: You told me so.
(IZZY totally confused sits down, puts her head in her hands)
HOWARD:(To Watsur) Kid catches on fast, eh?
by Tate Madler